I'm a virgin. Sue me.
If you’ve been reading you now know that after two years we of dating my ex and I never had sex. Even some of my friends are surprised or doubtful of that. Now before you think I’m Charley Taco, keep in mind that I made it clear to him at the outset where my boundaries were. And more importantly, where my boundaries were not. And while he was probably lying, he told me the same thing.
And when I date again, I’ll have that discussion again. I don’t want to invest a lot of time in some guy who isn’t looking for the same thing I am. And I would guess that a most guys aren’t looking to waste all that time and effort, either. If he’s a player, isn’t he better off playing someone else?
I am not scared of disease, or pregnancy or even my reputation. It isn’t a Silver Ring thing. It is just that I’m not ready for it. Not right now, and not in the foreseeable future. I don’t think before marriage.
I view sex as transcendent; almost spiritual. On second thought, strike the “almost.” I do view it as spiritual. Or rather I want it to be when I’m involved in it. I just don’t want to be that physically intimate with someone I’m not that spiritually intimate with. And that sort of intimacy is not created overnight. And while I don’t think of marriage magically, I do think marriage is an outward sign of the internal commitment that such intimacy requires. I want that. I need it.
The thing that put me over the edge about my recent dumpdom was his insistence that he had “needs” that I should have been fulfilling. Since I wasn’t fulfilling his needs, he turned elsewhere. This bugged me twice. First, he knew I wasn’t going to fulfill those “needs” at this point in our relationship. If he needed it that badly, better find someone else. But after you find someone else, don’t bother coming back to me.
Second, I don’t want to be used. Not now. Not ever. I don’t want to *merely* be the means to an orgasm. So even if we were sexually active, your “needs” wouldn’t be enough reason to roll in the sack. And I think that is a two-way street. I don’t want any guy to *merely* be the means to my orgasm. (Or the means to my house or my car or my family or anything else.) Ever. I don’t want a marriage where he gives me stuff and I give him sex. I want to be his partner, and I want him to be mine. I want to be equals; sharing ourselves totally. Sharing ourselves not only spiritually, but also physically. And I hope the headboard shakes frequently and loudly when we get there.
I’ve been told that I am in for a big letdown. And that my view is naive and fanciful. And that I shouldn’t start sentences with conjunctions.
And when I date again, I’ll have that discussion again. I don’t want to invest a lot of time in some guy who isn’t looking for the same thing I am. And I would guess that a most guys aren’t looking to waste all that time and effort, either. If he’s a player, isn’t he better off playing someone else?
I am not scared of disease, or pregnancy or even my reputation. It isn’t a Silver Ring thing. It is just that I’m not ready for it. Not right now, and not in the foreseeable future. I don’t think before marriage.
I view sex as transcendent; almost spiritual. On second thought, strike the “almost.” I do view it as spiritual. Or rather I want it to be when I’m involved in it. I just don’t want to be that physically intimate with someone I’m not that spiritually intimate with. And that sort of intimacy is not created overnight. And while I don’t think of marriage magically, I do think marriage is an outward sign of the internal commitment that such intimacy requires. I want that. I need it.
The thing that put me over the edge about my recent dumpdom was his insistence that he had “needs” that I should have been fulfilling. Since I wasn’t fulfilling his needs, he turned elsewhere. This bugged me twice. First, he knew I wasn’t going to fulfill those “needs” at this point in our relationship. If he needed it that badly, better find someone else. But after you find someone else, don’t bother coming back to me.
Second, I don’t want to be used. Not now. Not ever. I don’t want to *merely* be the means to an orgasm. So even if we were sexually active, your “needs” wouldn’t be enough reason to roll in the sack. And I think that is a two-way street. I don’t want any guy to *merely* be the means to my orgasm. (Or the means to my house or my car or my family or anything else.) Ever. I don’t want a marriage where he gives me stuff and I give him sex. I want to be his partner, and I want him to be mine. I want to be equals; sharing ourselves totally. Sharing ourselves not only spiritually, but also physically. And I hope the headboard shakes frequently and loudly when we get there.
I’ve been told that I am in for a big letdown. And that my view is naive and fanciful. And that I shouldn’t start sentences with conjunctions.
posted by Julene | 5:48 PM
11 Comments:
I don't know about the whole thing with starting sentences with conjunctions, but the rest is just other people's opinions.
You need to worry about what you want and what feels right for you.
That's all that matters.
I am curious how old you are?
Secondly, if things happen the way you want them to, the way you have always dreamed, it won't be a disappointment. Don't listen to that.(I have the feeling you don't)
Making love, when you realize that it is love and not just sex, is really beautiful.
I have been used b4 by an ex that kept me around stringing me along after a 7 yr relationship and I was hopeful of a reunion, but he was just "getting his". It is the most awful feeling in the world. I am glad to see that there is someone out there that is willing to stand up for what they believe. That guy wasn't worth your body, let alone your heart.
Ellie, I'm 21 and a Junior in College.
I’ve been told that I am in for a big letdown. And that my view is naive and fanciful. And that I shouldn’t start sentences with conjunctions.
Who's telling you this crap?
I think you need to also cut some ties with people that aren't true supporters of you, just like you did dipshit, who I also referred to as the weasel at my place.
I totally respect your feelings on this and think it is just great. Part of being a great woman is making decisions for YOURSELF!!!
Be a strong woman now and always amd someday if you ever become a mom { if that is what you are wanting} it'll make you a good mom and you'll raise kids who won't take crap from others too.
Who's telling me that crap? Maybe I overstated my cause. It isn't like I walk around handing out copies of this manifesto and getting feedback. I've only had a serious discussion about it with less than five close friends (including Dipshit).
Two of them are married women. My sister laughed and said I was in for a big disappointment because men just can't get that separated from their animal side. And her husband is a doll. She's older, so I don't remember much about them before they got married.
The other, a good friend, said she thought like I did to until she had kids. She then realized it was often easier to just get it over with so she could get some sleep. As I recall this was followed by a sigh and large gulp of margarita, but perhaps it was the other way around.
And I'm an english major, so a lot of teachers tell me not to start sentences with conjunctions. Most of them grade down for it.
Crap. Where's the edit button? I'm an English Major.
I kind of know how you feel. I've had a bf that wanted to do things to me that I found revolting and refused. He then tried to use the fact I was living in his country illegally to try and coerce me. I moved back to Canada ASAP.
Funny, I was and English Major too. I graduated with a degree specialising in 14th century lit. I can't spell worth a darn!!! I write creatively so I didn't earn great marks on my papers. Atleast I understood the Where For Art Thou jargain....
Sex after marriage may seem like a let down, especially after kids, but when reserved for when you are both into it..is a good thing.
You are only 21, you will see. I used to hate the phrase, test drive the car b4 you buy it. I don't believe in that. You sound like a really sensible girl.
You know what?
Call me a pig, but Im honest when I say. You are the kind of girl we hope not to come across when we are dating, but we hope to marry you.
Thats a contradiction that somehow makes total sense when your a guy dating and then ready to get married. There is no excuse for it, it just is.
But I will also say, you are the kind of girl I pray my daughters will both be when they get to your age. I commend you for your position and your willingness to stick to your conviction for whatever reason. Please just know, you will be the happier one in the end.
Jay, that's just wrong. I wonder if someone that selfish in one aspect of the relationship can be genereous in others. In my view, unless you are a hired entertainer you aren't there just for someone else's pleasure.
Beatnik, I respectfully disagree. I'm exactly the type of girl that boys should want to encounter. I don't leave any doubt about where they stand. If they are looking for something else, they know from the outset to go elsewhere. They won't waste any precious resources on me. (And I won't waste any precious resources on them, either.)
And Ellie, who you callin' sensible? Them's fightin' words. ;) But seriously, I agree with you on the "test drive" thing.
If sex is the most important part of your relationship, then by all means you had better test it out prior to marriage. If it isn't, and if communication and intimacy and love and trust are the biggies, then isn't good sex just a natural extension of those things? And if we turn out to be not very good at sex, can't we work through it with more of the communication, intimacy, love and trust?
This was a really interesting post. And my favorite part was this:
And I hope the headboard shakes frequently and loudly when we get there.
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