JuneBug Julene

It's been a while

2008-10-22T16:39:00.002-05:00

Well, Toby Keith became a dad about the time we started to get more serious. I liked him but I'm not gonna put up with all that stuff.

My parents moved home from Germany.

I graduated.

I tore my ACL.

That about sums up my life.

I've moved on

2007-01-12T15:22:00.000-06:00

My family gathered at my sister's house in Colorado for Christmas. It was great to see everyone. But talk about snow. but even with the snow it wasn't too cold there.

I hadn't seen the fam since summer. My parents currently live in Germany, so I hadn't seen them or my brother in a while. My brothers are still putzes. Mom is still funny. Daddy is still awesome. Both agreed that it was a good idea for me to transfer. I was a little worried that their approval from afar might not have been all that sincere. Mom told me she never liked ex. Funny, mom, you never mentioned that while we were dating FOR THREE YEARS! EVEN WHEN HE STAYED WITH US FOR ALMOST A WEEK. Uhm, yeah. but I'm not moving because of ex. (If I keep telling myself that, I'll believe it, right?)

For Christmas my dad gave my mom a set of cookware. That would probably be funnier if you knew my mom. Anyway, she opened it, laughed and gave it to me immediately. It was intended for me, and I do need it.

Daddy took me out on one of our old dates. We would, at least once a month, do something together, just the two of us. Usually a movie or something. This time we went to dinner. He told me that he used to hate letting me pick, because I would always pick Wendy's. I always thought he liked Wendy's. Ooops. We had a great time. This always made me feel special. It is good to feel that way. Lots more could be said, but I don't have time right now.

My Dad drove me to Kansas to finish ye old apartment hunt. I've finally found a place. My friend who lives there tells me my roommate is OK. Her roommate dropped out in the middle of first semester and quit paying rent, so she needs a roomie. I need a place to live, so it should work out. It is a really old, really small, really dumpy little house that is not, by the way, really cheap. My Dad and I moved my stuff down in his car and my ultra-cool minivan, then dad drove back to Colorado.

Orientation is Wednesday and classes start on Friday. First day of classes is just showing up an getting a syllabus, I think. It is cold here, and I know virtually no one. I've been running every day, and there are a lot of hills. i haven't found a good route, yet.

Frightful Plane Trip

2006-12-27T20:43:00.000-06:00

It took two extra days, but I flew to Colorado for Christmas. The fucktard sitting next to me on the plane SANG the entire way. I was trying to read, but he was annoying. I'm not sure he even knew he was doing it.

The worst? "Don't give up on us baby, blah blah blah blah..."

TK Update

2006-12-19T18:25:00.000-06:00

The semester is finally over. I am apartment hunting in Lawrence, and I think I might have found something. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

As promised, here's the TK update: He's been on my mind a lot these last few weeks. He's a great guy. He's everything a gal could ask for. So why am I asking for more?

Here's the deal. In an earlier post I explained that that at the start of a relationship I would have a pretty open discussion about my expectations of waiting sexual boundaries. I had this discussion with TK a few weeks ago. I let him know my views, which includes my intention not to have sex before I get married. TK told me he wasn't a virgin, which he didn't really need to do. I mean pretty much no one is, right? Anyway, he told me he felt the same way, and that his relationship with his previous girlfriend kinda went to hell after he boinked her.

I told him that I liked him a lot, but that I couldn't see our relationship going a long way due to the distance thing. He said --and he gets major points for it-- that he just wanted to spend time with me because he liked me, even if we weren't going to get serious. I told him I still intended to go out with other people, but not in a serious way. He said he wasn't planning on going out with others, but that his options were limited. (I don't think his options are that limited.) Anyway, it was a good talk.

For Thanksgiving I was planning to go to my sister's house in Colorado. He offered to give me a ride to and from the airport. I could have driven myself and left my sexy minivan there, but he said he wanted to go because he wanted to go out again before I left. As my flights worked out, it gave us pretty much a whole day in Kansas City prior to my flight leaving. We had a blast. We went shopping at a plaza area (where pretty much everything was out of my price range). We had a good day together. Then he took me to the airport and stayed with me as long as he could. I gave him a short kiss goodbye. I wished we had planned it a little better, so we would have had a little better good-bye.

He picked me up at the airport on Sunday night and took me home, too. That was really sweet. I know he didn't have to, and I know he wasn't getting much in return. He said that spending time together was good enough for him, but I was absolutely wiped out by then, so I'm sure it wasn't much fun for him.

The two major topics of conversation with my sister were transferring schools and my love life. She understood the reasons for transferring and was supportive. She was supportive enough that she mentioned it to dad before I talked to him on Thanksgiving. (For the record, Lawrence is only about ten minutes closer to TK, so that wasn't the reason for the move.) As for my crush on the guy from marketing --the one who likes me but doesn't seem to care that I'm a girl-- she thinks I'm a dope. She thinks I've been wasting time with him to avoid TK.

She got sarcastic and started saying things like nice guys with careers aren't dating material. Drunk guys are more fun. Polite and thoughtful are overrated. Guys who go to work every day are boring. She called me a snob for not wanting to date a farmer who had never gotten drunk at a frat house. (BTW, HER husband has a masters degree.) I know she's right about those things, but darnit, I want a guy I can squeeze a little. I want a guy who is around every day. She thinks a boyfriend on weekends is the best of both worlds. She's my best friend, so I will think about what she said.

So, where will things go with TK? I'll keep you posted. He might help me move. That'll win major points.

Please visit and say something nice

2006-12-13T18:36:00.000-06:00

http://lille-mus.blogspot.com/

This girl needs a cyber hug. Please give her one, but don't tell her I sent you.

Too Far Behind to Catch Up

2006-12-09T12:01:00.000-06:00

Since my last real post so much has happened. I've fallen way behind in my blogging. I can't possibly keep up without boring you more than I already am. And finals are breathing down my neck.

Here are the highlights:

TobyKeith continues to be a real sweetheart. I could seriously fall for him if.... IF he were closer, IF he didn't live in the boonies, IF he could dance, IF he were a tad more outgoing.... There just seem to be some lifestyle differences. I can't see myself as a farm wife. I can't see him living in the city. I can see myself cuddling up with him in front of a fire in the living room.

I had the talk about my expectations in dating with Toby. you remember? The one about I'm-not-ready-for-sex-so-if-that's-what-you're-after-look-somewhere-else. While not a virgin, he seemed OK with it. Of course he said he was OK with it, but I think he might have meant it. He's coming late this afternoon and --I think-- staying over. I'll let you know.

I went to Colorado for Thanksgiving. My sister is great. I love her. We've talked on the phone just about every day since Thanksgiving. We used to email a lot, but we've been talking lately. My family is meeting at her house for Christmas. My mom and dad are going to be there, too. I haven't seen them since the summer, so I miss them.

I've visited KU a couple of times. I've talked with a couple of professors that I will have. They do have a lot more opportunities there, but a lot less chance for one-on-one help. I really like the culture there, though. I think I need the change. I talked to my dad about it, and he thinks it is a good move. Mom wanted me to wait until the end of the year, but I've got to get out of this place. I'm transferring at semester.

I've made a deal with my roomies to pay my rent for the rest of the year, but none of the utilities. The phone is in my name, but nothing else. They will keep that and pay the bill (I hope). I plan to come back for a few weekends, so I'll still stay there. Since my room was the worst one there anyway, they aren't lining up to get it.

I've mentioned the dude from Marketing, who wants to study. After about the fourth study date with no mention of anything more than studying, I was confused. There seemed to be some chemistry there, but he didn't seem to be pursuing anything. I thought I was giving good hints, but...... Last week he came over to study. After studying he sat down on the couch. I sat down sorta next to him, with one leg up on the sofa, trying to be extra cute and slightly flirtatious. I'm not quite sure how it happened, but half an hour later I was laying down on the sofa with my head on his lap looking straight up his nostrils (which needed a slight clip, I might add). Still, he kept one arm on the arm of the sofa, and the other on the sofa's back (i.e., not on me). We talked. I watched mostly him while he watched TV. Finally, I reached up and grabbed his hand, pulling it down and holding hands with him. Finally he switched his focus away from TV and on me. We stayed there until Colbert was over. Afterwards he got up to leave, and only gave me a hug on his way out. I'm officially dazed.

America's Next Top Model

2006-11-30T17:27:00.000-06:00

I watched 20 minutes of America's Next Top Model last night. I feel dumber for having done it. That has to be the worst show on television. And the girls are not pretty at all without makeup. I am ashamed that I was too lazy to (a) leave, (b) start a fight with my housemate over the remote, or (c) claw my own eyes out to save me from the horror.

Weekend Away

2006-11-21T14:01:00.000-06:00

I spent this past weekend in Lawrence, Kansas. It was a blast. One of my friends transferred to KU this year, and she invited me down for the weekend. It was the KS-KSU football weekend.

Before the game we unexpectedly went to a tailgate party. As we walked to the stadium an old guy (70?) said hello to us. We said hello back, and he said "I would be honored to have three beautiful girls join us for lunch." If he had been 30 it would have been creepy, but it was awfully sweet coming from him. And they had like ten times as much food as they needed. It was pretty cool. As we were stuffing our faces he joked for us not to tell his wife, who was sitting right next to him. She joked that it was OK with her and that he could have any of us that he could catch. Again, if she had been 30 it would have been creepy.

Then we went into the stadium. Since we were late we had to STAND in the very top, but that was OK. Let me note that I am not what you would call a big football fan. I am a big fan of getting together with friends and screaming for four straight hours in the cold while staring straight into the sun. The game was awesome. KU won the game and some students ran on the field and tackled the goalposts after the game.

Afterwards we went home to warm up, then went out in Lawrence. I haven't been asked out much since my relationship tanked. But Saturday night everyone was in a good mood and I got asked to dance the whole night. If Saturday was any indication, things might be better in a little bigger sea. I go to a pretty small school, so pretty much everyone knows who is dating whom or who has dated whom. That can't be the case at a big state school. One dude sent me a message which I got when I logged on yesterday.

On Sunday night we went to the KU Basketball game. I borrowed a student ID and got in. It was louder than the football game and much warmer. I like basketball more than football. KU had lost the week before, but they won easily. I have never had so much fun during a basketball game. I got a free T-Shirt. The students stand for the entire game. It was a great atmosphere. It would be fun to go to a lot of games.

I am considering transferring. I like my school, but I wonder if a change in scenery would do me good.

I haven't seen TobyKeith in two weeks, but we've talked on the phone a few times. On Wednesday afternoon I am flying to Denver to see my sister for Thanksgiving. TobyKeith is going to take me to the airport, which was really nice of him. It is completely out of his way, but he said he didn't mind, and wanted to take me out once before Thanksgiving. He's going to pick me up early, so we'll have several hours to spend before my flight leaves. I've got a little to tell about him, but I don't have time right now. I have to be nice to him, though, because I need a ride back on Sunday. LOL.

Oh, and the guy in Marketing apparently really wants to study.

NEWS FLASH: LOVE IS DEAD

2006-11-08T11:20:00.000-06:00

I've given up on love. It is, after all, only an unattainable illusion. I mean if two beautiful, intelligent, wholesome kids like K-Fed and Britney can't make a go of it in this wacky world, what hope is there for the rest of us? This was not just A love affair; it was THE love affair that defined a generation. Our only true happiness in life was the vicarious joy we felt when meditating upon K-Fed and Britney. Now it has all been crushed.

I fear that this horrible turn of events is all my fault. After all, I dressed up as K-Fed for Halloween. To the Fates who decide these things, I apologize. I offer the rest of my humble life on earth as atonement for my grievous fault.

Things I Learned on Halloween

2006-11-07T09:11:00.000-06:00

I went to a fairly tame Halloween party last week. It wasn't nearly as much fun as I thought it would be. Not many people dressed up. I went as Kevin Federline and my housemate went as Britney Spears. I thought our costumes were pretty good. I had a fake beard in patches, huge tan cargo shorts, a brown suit coat and a dorky hat.

Here's what I learned:

• The most popular costume for girls this year was apparently "cheap slut." I only mention it because I'm jealous.

• Not many guys dress up for Halloween.

• Guys who wanted to dress up but didn't want to work at it came as Duke Lacrosse players (at least 5 of them).

• Guys make funnier girls than the other way around. The SNL "Drunk Girl" was really great.

• There are a lot of people that know a lot more information about K-Fed than they really should. Like most people, I'm not a fan; I just can't turn my head away from this trainwreck. But lots of people felt compelled to tell me some detail of Kevin's life that they thought I should have known since I was him for the night. Next year I'm going as Abigail Adams, just to see how much I can learn about her. ::roll eyes::

• Kevin isn't very chivalrous. For his sake, I hope that tabloids don't pick up on this. While Britney was getting smashed, he just mingled and ignored her the whole night. Also, they left Jayden on the bed, buried under several coats. When Britney puked, he just left her there alone. In fact, he's not even sure how she got home.

I mentioned a guy who wanted to study a while back. We've "studied" a couple of times, but it has actually involved mostly studying. Anyway, we chatted it up a bunch at the party. He gave me a ride home, but didn't actually ask me out. I need to work on my signals, I guess.

Happy Halloween

2006-10-31T17:02:00.000-06:00

Despite the hours of homework I have to do, I have decided to dress up and go out tonight. My housemate and I are going as, you guessed it, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. As the taller, gangly one without boobs, I get to be Kevin. I'm not sure I'm feminine enough to pull it off, but I'll give it a go.

I've found a dorky hat. One of my other housemates promises she can have the almost-a-beard look perfected by ten. Now if only someone would loan us a baby.

My worst fear is that my bride for the night is one of the girly kissers. If she starts in with that while were out, I'm gonna have to kick the other chick's ass, because no one kisses my wife. And if I find a hot guy to make out with, I'll still be in character. How cool is that?

Muffin Tops and Hip Huggers

2006-10-30T17:34:00.000-06:00

TobyKeith and I went shopping this weekend and I helped him pick out some new clothes. His wardrobe needs major help. I saw him sans-shirt for the first time. He has an adorable little muffin top. It was all I could do to keep from mentioning it every three minutes the rest of the day.

I glanced at some jeans in one of the stores, and he suggested that I try them on. "That’s alright, ~~we'd never go on another date if you see how picky I am~~ we’d better get going."

"No, really," he said, "we've got time."

"Trust me, I don’t want ~~to prove to you that I don’t have an ass~~ bore you.

But seriously, I hate shopping for jeans. I hate hip huggers. I think they look cool, don’t get me wrong. Just not on me. Let’s just say Sir Mix-a-Lot doesn’t like me and leave it at that. I’m a runner. What do you expect? Anyone with ideas on where to find jeans that will make it look like I have an ass, give me a shout.

And the not wanting to bore him part didn't stop me from getting a pedicure while he went to wherever guys go in malls.

Half Nekkid Thursday is Taking the Blog World by storm!

2006-10-26T23:25:00.000-05:00

HNT is certainly a case of the good, the bad and the ugly. Some say the nekkidness isn't supposed to be sexual, while other photos are borderline pornographic. How can I let this bandwagon sail by without jumping on? So here's a candid shot of me in the shower:

[That's not really me in the shower, I took the picture.]

Ray Charles Rox Out Loud

2006-10-21T12:58:00.000-05:00

I have a new favorite song! It is "A Song For You" by Ray Charles. Well, maybe it isn't rock, but saying he blues out loud makes zero sense. What a great song. I've listened to it a dozen times this morning. I wish I could find a video of it online. (There's one on YouTube, but the music quality ucks big time.)

TobyKeith came here last night. We went out on our second real date, the trusty dinner and a movie combo. On the way home I was checking out his CD collection --And judging him very harshly for it, I might add-- when I found a Ray Charles CD. I joked about it and then he put it in. I have to admit there were a couple of songs that didn't suck too bad, and this one that I now love. I've never seen the movie "Ray," so we're going to rent it and watch it together sometime.

After the movie we came back here and there wasn't anything going on. I imported A Song for You to iTunes, then we sat around and talked (in a laid on the bed together and kissed kind of way). The music was nice. The company was nice. The moment was nice. I wanted it to last longer. At about 2 he said he had to get home and get some sleep. I nearly broke my you-can't-stay-here vow, but I'm glad I didn't. Actually, I'm glad he didn't ask. I probably would have if he had asked. This morning as I was thinking about it I realized that he cares about my boundaries. He didn't ask me to compromise them or to change them in midstream. That part was especially cool.

I like TobyKeith. He's a cool guy. But his hands are like sandpaper. I can hardly stand to hold hands with him because they are so rough. He has callouses like I've never seen before. Despite using lotion that I kept putting on him all evening, they remained sharp. He said they'd get better now that harvest was over, so we'll see. I didn't remember them being that bad before, so maybe they will get better. I usually like backrubs, but didn't want one last night.

No one ever says that someone they like is a bad kisser, but he is a good kisser. He is slow and gentle in just about everything he does, which is a refreshing change of pace.

I could really like him more if he lived closer. While it is cool to see someone actually put thought and effort into spending time with you, I'd like more visits in smaller doses. I miss finding my BF between classes for the 2 minute chat. I miss lazing on the couch together. I miss kicking his ass over a two mile run. These are things you can't do very often with a long-distance BF.

I am more Reflective than Introspective

2006-10-19T17:27:00.000-05:00

In my limited experience, what I do has a lot to do with how I feel. When I think, write, speak and do happy, energetic things, I tend to be happier and more energetic. When I don't, I'm not. I can't say for sure which comes first, but they do go together.

After my heart was recently pulled out of my chest, devoured by a serpent, digested, excreted and trampled upon, I was in a serious funk. I started this blog because I was trying to carry on my I'm-OK-don't-worry-about-me routine (with no success). I needed an outlet. I cried. I read three Willa Cather books that I had read before. I cried more. I ditched school for a week. I didn't run. And I felt like crap.

After several days of sulking my friend Teri really kicked me in the butt. She made me get out. She made me run. She made me study. After a day or two, I felt better. After a week I felt a lot better. I'm still sad about the way things ended, but I don't feel like I did then. That was the lowest I've ever felt.

I made a conscious effort to stay positive, even when venting here. I stopped talking about him. I stopped crying. I tried to keep up a positive spirit. I did not write about dipshit canceling my phone without prior notice to me. I did not write about him demanding the return of a textbook he used last freaking year. I did not write about boxing EVERYTHING* he gave me up and sending it back. I did not write about the incident at the bar with the 'other woman' (gawd that sounds awful). They are all stories that (after I selectively omit stuff) make him look like more of a Ginormous A*hole than he probably is. But I did not write about them because I did not want to dwell on the negative. Now that they are in the past, I wish I would have been more honest about how I was feeling.

It is much easier for me to reveal what I felt like, rather than to reveal what I feel like. I can reflect on what is completed with some clarity. I cannot, however, do the same with the present. Not yet. I still can't decide whether I'm lying to myself, or just hiding my feelings from public view. I know that reflection on the past is much easier for me than introspection on the present. It is also safer, because we can't change the past. At times I fear the change that true introspection might require. I don't want my soul to be searched. I only want it to be admired. I am a selfish twit in that way. I want to know others, but I hold back from allowing myself to be fully known.

I held back some things with him. Our relationship wasn't the best by any means. We were probably going to break up anyway; his infidelity was merely the catalyst. Did I not trust him with my secrets because (1) I knew he was untrustworthy, (2) our relationship was not to that level, or (3) I feared that he wouldn't like what he saw if I did reveal my innermost thoughts and feelings? I want you to think it was one or two, but I know there was a bunch of three in there, too.

* I kept the running shoes he gave me, because he couldn't exactly use them (and I use them every freaking day).

Good Things Come in Any Packages

2006-10-16T23:27:00.000-05:00

I didn't see TobyKeith this weekend, but I did talk to him on the phone for a bit. He was busy doing farming stuff, and I was busy doing homework (and going dancing). I continue to think that I could really like him, but the distance would be hard. If I'm gonna have a beau I want him to be around.

I went out Saturday night and danced practically the whole night. It was awesome. But it would have been a drag with a non-dancing bf in tow. One guy danced with me a few times and then asked me to study with him this week. He probably actually wants to study, but we'll see.

I like surprises. Today I got a package from UPS. When I saw it I had no idea what it might be, because I hadn't gone crazy on eBay lately. So who would send me a package? No one sends me packages. No one, it turns out, except TobyKeith. I opened it to find the disposable pie tin and rubbermaid thingy that I gave him with the leftover pie. Inside that was a Toby Keith Cd. It was a cool gesture, and it makes me think that maybe he's thinking about me as much as I have been thinking about him.

My studies

2006-10-12T16:27:00.000-05:00

I am an English major at a small college, which means that about half of my upper division courses consist of a professor giving me a list of books to read and getting together in his office once a week to see if I'm really reading them. Well, I love to read. Second to dancing. Well, maybe third behind dancing and running. Make that fourth ** no fifth, behind dancing, eating, running and getting a pedicure. No, pedicure is higher than running. Ahh crap. I lost focus. Anyway, I like to read, so after he figures out that I have read the book he either kicks me out of his office so he can leave or we just chat about stuff not related to the assignments.

One of the books on my list this year is Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov. Oh My Gawd. Nabokov is a genius, and the book is truly a masterpiece. I'm typeless to describe it in less trite terms. I am a third of the way through it, and I cannot decide whether it is drama or comedy.

I thought I had a decent vocabulary. I can scarcely make it through a paragraph without having to look something up in my dictionary. Who knew there were so many synonyms for prostitute? Lest you think I'm a total retard, some of the words I had to look up are pastiche, ribald (thought I knew what it was, but wasn't sure), demoniac (I've heard demonic, but not demoniac), fey, coeval, fauntlet, poltroon, fascinum and atoll. What boggles my mind is that English is Nabokov's third language, behind Russian and French, but his writing is amazing. Really amazing. You should really read it if you have the time. It is not easy reading, but it is breathtaking.

Update -- Nothing juicy

2006-10-10T09:16:00.000-05:00

TobyKeith was here Saturday. We had a good time. He was taller and cuter than I remember. He loved the pie, which isn't surprising since it is hard to screw up a pie. We talked a lot on the date, and I think we may be on the same page. The distance thing would be hard for me to commit to, but he says he isn't looking for that right now, either. I got a great good bye kiss, so its all good.

I'd write more, but I don't want to bore anyone.

My House is Officially Rated PG-13

2006-10-06T17:11:00.000-05:00

My life is so boring. Today I got up, drank my water, ran, ate my oatmeal, went to class and then went to the grocery store. I bought cherry pie filling, but I also bought cherries to give the illusion that I didn't use cherry pie filling. Today I made two pies. One for us (because who can not eat a hot-cherry pie with vanilla ice cream?) and one for k'boi (RWA's suggestion). Actually, I made the crusts last night, but do you really care? Me either. Sooo....

Check it out. I live with four other college gurls in a house a block away from campus. Two of these gurls, let us call them hos, have decided to try to convince the world that they are bi. They've convinced me, although I was there for the discussion about it being fake. But they are both convinced that it will be fun, and that everyone likes bi-chicks. Anyway, they need only the slightest pretense (i.e., audience + alcohol) to kiss. For some reason, boys like this. A lot. They claim (when its just us here) that they are only being goofy. To everyone else, though, they claim to be bi. Boys also like this. A lot.

PottyMouth (Ho #1) was around when I got home. She immediately started asking if she could have my cherry (roll eyes) and then if I wanted her cherry (that ship has long sailed). Then she turned to her fellow bi-ho (I can't think of a pithy name for her. Get it? Pithy? Cherry Pit. Ha-ha.) With lips almost touching, she held the cherry between them. Then they kissed the cherry, allowing their lips to fully envelope it. This was followed by a rather long and disgusting kiss, complete with both sets of jaws working. Moments later PottyMouth pulled away with the stem between her teeth, while her partner in slime spit out the hull. They did this two or three times. (Girls, I need you leave some of those cherries around so I can pretend to know how to cook. See how boring the story gets when I mention me?)

Then Teri came in. After their next performance, Teri told bi-ho #2 that she was going to lose her reputation, "because everyone thinks you always swallow seed." Bwahaahaaaahaaahahaa. I got tiny ice cubes in my nose because I was drinking a lime slush at the time.

I can't write an effing title to save my life

2006-10-05T17:42:00.000-05:00

What's that old saying? If he doesn't call by Wednesday you should not accept a date for Saturday. Well, fuggit. I'm accepting. He called Tuesday (I was out). He called Wednesday (I was out). He called this afternoon and we chatted. He was cute and polite on the phone, yet excited in a non-pushy way. He suggested driving down late morningish on Saturday and taking me out for lunch. Lunch date on Saturday? I'm sure its been done before.

I didn't think TobyKeith would want to drive three hours for a non-overnight date, but I was wrong. For some silly reason, I didn't want to talk to him because I didn't want to tell him that I didn't want to go see him and he couldn't stay over here if he drove down. Either he's really smart or his mother is giving him advice, but he said the same thing BEFORE I HAD THE CHANCE.

So here's the prob. I've been thinking (well, obsessing really) about it. While we princesses never think we are high maintenance, I freely admit to be being more high maintenance than this. I don't want a long-distance boyfriend. (In my little world, an hour and a half away is long-distance.) Heck, I don't even know if I want a boyfriend at all. (The last one broke just after the warranty ran out, so I couldn't return him.) You know what that means? The best TobyKeith can hope for is the dreaded friendship closet. So, who is going to break the news to him?

Let's think this through. If I call him ahead of time I'm a presumptuous bitch, because maybe he just wanted to have a little light-hearted fun. If I don't call him, then I've made him waste a day and however much cash when I wasn't interested. Maybe I'll pretend to still be asleep when he gets here, then pretend to be slightly hungover and spend the day reliving the (totally made up) wild night before. But I don't drink much and I'm a crappy actress.

How do I think myself into these fucking corners? He knows he lives a long ways away. He knows I'm NOT looking for anything serious. Could it be that a hot K'boi will really drive that far for an inoccent date? I think I'll bake him a pie to take home.

I'm fickle

2006-10-04T08:40:00.000-05:00

I had an awesome night last Saturday, mostly because of TobyKeith. He is polite, attentive and can carry a conversation. He is more than cute. All good qualities and no glaring flaws. But he lives an hour and a half away.

He called last night when I was out running. I'm glad I wasn't home. I don't know what I would have said. I liked him well enough, and if he lived here I might have run by his house, but...........

I just can't see how this plane can get off the ground.

I doubt he wants to drive that far home after a date. And I'm not going to drive three freaking hours for a date. I won't impose on Teri or her family to go there and spend the night just to see him. And since the only person he knows here is Teri, who lives with me, I don't think he ought to stay here. I don't think it is a good idea to have a second date last 48 hours. And this would really be a first date, because meeting someone at a dance and just staying there together really shouldn't count.

THAT WEEKEND ROCKED!

2006-10-01T21:30:00.000-05:00

That was an awesome weekend. Teri, who continues to show she’s a better friend than I ever thought possible, is such an awesome girl. I've gotta find a way to pay her back. My thoughts of seeking out anti-depressant medication is over for at least a week or two. If someone would bottle this weekend we could put the prozac people out of business. This weekend was just what the doctor would have ordered, if I had asked.

The short version is that she introduced me to a gorgeous K’BOI, who makes my little heart go pitter-patter. He is huge, but in a good way. He’s not muscular, and he certainly isn’t fat, but rather just solid. And tall. He reminds me of the Rocky Mountains. For blogging purposes, he’s TobyKeith (though he lacks the hair and other stuff I’d notice if I were a Toby Keith fan).

But enough about him; the important thing to remember is I STILL GOT IT, BABY. It is, after all, all about moi.

The longer, but still greatly condensed version, follows:

FORESHADOWING

On the drive there Teri mentioned that there was someone she wanted to introduce me to. Despite my weak protestations about not being ready for that, I was optimistic, but tried to put on that I didn’t care. (I failed.) Someone who doesn't know what a basket case I've been recently can only be good. She told me a bunch about him, and it appeared that she might have mentioned me to him, too. That part made me a bit nervous.

THE INTRODUCTION

Teri finally introduced us on Saturday night at a dance. I’m sure I made a great first impression. My first words to him are destined to replace “But soft, what light through yonder window breaks.” I’m sure I’ll get a call any moment from a major motion picture studio hoping to pick up the rights. I said, and I quote “That’s a big hat.” Feel free to use the line if you want. I request only that you give me creative credit for it. Anyway, his response was something like “Thankie, ma’am,” so he didn’t take offense. And being called ma’am is endearing! I heartily recommend it. Polite boys rock.

He spent the rest of the evening sitting at our table and talking a little. He was very sweet and attentive. He bought me a beer. (Did I mention I don’t like beer? Well, I didn’t mention it to him, either.) We didn’t dance as much as I would have liked, except for the slow ones. Those were nice.

THE GOOD BYE

We danced the last few slow songs, then stayed around talking until they turned all the lights on (subtle, no?). As we left I walked him to his truck as my friends waited. We were walking side by side, and as we approached the truck he put his arm around me. He told me he had a good time and that he hoped we would get together again soon. Then, while I wasn’t expecting it at all, he gave me a squeeze with his right arm and kissed the top of my head. He asked if he could call me. When I offered him my number he said he already had it, since I live with Teri. It could have been in a Disney movie, it was so cute and wholesome. He definitely knows to leave them wanting more. I would have liked it to last a little longer. Maybe it will.

I'm Off to See the Wizard

2006-09-28T23:17:00.000-05:00

I'm so excited. Tomorrow afternoon the three amigas will descend upon a modern Little House on the Prairie for the weekend. Teri invited two of us to join her for a weekend at her farm. She has assured us that there will be no pig slopping, cow milking, corn shucking or hay bailing. There will be her Friday night high school football, starring her brother. What could be better?

It is only an hour away, but that's not the point. It is a change of scenery, which could only do me some good.

Teri is the gal who blew off her boyfriend to hang out with me the weekend after I was deposited in dumpville. She's a great friend and she's smokin' hot. It should be a blast.

I'm a virgin. Sue me.

2006-09-27T17:48:00.000-05:00

If you’ve been reading you now know that after two years we of dating my ex and I never had sex. Even some of my friends are surprised or doubtful of that. Now before you think I’m Charley Taco, keep in mind that I made it clear to him at the outset where my boundaries were. And more importantly, where my boundaries were not. And while he was probably lying, he told me the same thing.

And when I date again, I’ll have that discussion again. I don’t want to invest a lot of time in some guy who isn’t looking for the same thing I am. And I would guess that a most guys aren’t looking to waste all that time and effort, either. If he’s a player, isn’t he better off playing someone else?

I am not scared of disease, or pregnancy or even my reputation. It isn’t a Silver Ring thing. It is just that I’m not ready for it. Not right now, and not in the foreseeable future. I don’t think before marriage.

I view sex as transcendent; almost spiritual. On second thought, strike the “almost.” I do view it as spiritual. Or rather I want it to be when I’m involved in it. I just don’t want to be that physically intimate with someone I’m not that spiritually intimate with. And that sort of intimacy is not created overnight. And while I don’t think of marriage magically, I do think marriage is an outward sign of the internal commitment that such intimacy requires. I want that. I need it.

The thing that put me over the edge about my recent dumpdom was his insistence that he had “needs” that I should have been fulfilling. Since I wasn’t fulfilling his needs, he turned elsewhere. This bugged me twice. First, he knew I wasn’t going to fulfill those “needs” at this point in our relationship. If he needed it that badly, better find someone else. But after you find someone else, don’t bother coming back to me.

Second, I don’t want to be used. Not now. Not ever. I don’t want to *merely* be the means to an orgasm. So even if we were sexually active, your “needs” wouldn’t be enough reason to roll in the sack. And I think that is a two-way street. I don’t want any guy to *merely* be the means to my orgasm. (Or the means to my house or my car or my family or anything else.) Ever. I don’t want a marriage where he gives me stuff and I give him sex. I want to be his partner, and I want him to be mine. I want to be equals; sharing ourselves totally. Sharing ourselves not only spiritually, but also physically. And I hope the headboard shakes frequently and loudly when we get there.

I’ve been told that I am in for a big letdown. And that my view is naive and fanciful. And that I shouldn’t start sentences with conjunctions.

Myspace isn't very anonymous, is it?

2006-09-25T17:32:00.000-05:00

I have a confession to make. I have another blog. Rather I had another one. It was one of those crappy Myspace ones, and I am sick of Myspace. Hopefully you are living in a dungeon guarded by demented trolls who torment you and have never visited myspace. For the rest of you, my condolences for the pain you no doubt endured when surfing myspace.

I have two bones to pick with Myspace. First, their templates suck so bad and make the entire thing unreadable, and second, not quite unreadable enough, as my mother manages to read it every spare moment she gets. I will spare you the details, but my posts there include how I hate Paris Hilton, about a necklace my friend made for me, a Hoobastank song I like, about two of my roommates getting tramp stamps, and about how Dipshit and I "decided to see other people."

I have no effing clue why I wrote that, because "we" didn't decide jack. He decided that he was going to screw Colette (not her real name, her real name is Colleen). He didn't discuss it with me ahead of time, so I wasn't part of the decision. (Not that I would have objected. The mere fact that he would have wanted to screw her would have been enough to make me decide to see other people.) My point is, WE did not decide it; he decided it for the both of us. It was just easier than admitting to the world that he'd rather do her than wait for me.

Anyway, Dipshit apparently (post-Colette) told his mother about the myspace blog. She then read the entire blog herself. For some reason she focused on the part where I referred to his family as "one broken washer on the front porch shy of completing their white trash certification." Apparently they took offense at that, no doubt because they already had the certification. Why they didn't judge the blog on its literary content as a whole I'll never know. I mean the tramp stamp post alone was worth the price of admission.

So I now have an email from her telling me that she is disappointed in me, because I had seemed so nice and that she hopes Dipshit will find a quote classier girl in the future. I can only guess and obsess about what details Dipshit might have thrown in. I can guess which details he left out.

Needles to say (yes, NEEDLES), I took down the myspace blog. A little late, don't 'ya think?

Don't Talk to Me.

2006-09-20T22:46:00.000-05:00

I'm lashing out at my friends --who are trying to offer consolation and support-- because all that's a lie. I won't get over him, I feel like crap, and I am so damn depressed that I just want to wallow in my malaise. Alone. And that's not how I am. I'm bright and energenic.

No one fucks around on me. Ever.

And everytime I think of him, I feel like I'm not being true to myself. I miss him. I miss what I thought he was. I can't go back, and I don't know how I'll go on.

I miss cuddling with him on the futon while we watch TV. I miss holding hands. I miss standing pressed up against him, when his arms are wrapped around me in an embrace --with his arm just touching the bottom of my breasts, in a way that conveys both that he respects me enough not to paw at me in public, and yet shows a nonchalant attitude about it. I miss the hot kisses on my neck.

More than anything else, I miss knowing that there is someone who really cares for me, and who desires me above all other girls. Except he doesn't. Fuckin' Bastard.

What to say

2006-09-18T12:36:00.000-05:00

I have come to the conclusion that men, especially cheating men, need a primer on how to communicate with the woman they have just fucked over.

Here's a list of things not to say:

1. "You owe it to me to talk with me." I don't owe you jack. And, you owe it to me not to screw other chicks. Even if you are drunk and have needs. So, just unscrew her and I'll talk to you.

2. "You don't understand." You're right. I don't understand. I'm also glad that I don't understand.

3. "It was just sex. It meant nothing to me." I'm glad to know that there's no meaning to sex for you. I've never wanted to have sex with you more than right now.

4. "We can work it out." I'm sure we could. But we won't.

Here's a list of things that are acceptable to say.

1. "Do you know where I can find a book on how to properly commit Hari-Kari? I'd hate to dishonor the Ancient Samarai tradition in the same way I dishonored you."

2. "If I move to Madagascar, would that be far enough away from you?"

A Dozen Long Stem What?

2006-09-17T10:17:00.000-05:00

Check this out. Dipshit (not his real name) sent me a dozen carnations. Carnations? What's up with that? Who sends carnations? I'm not your freaking mother. (I'm also not your girlfriend, but I digress.)

Look, Dipshit (Really, it is not his real name) there's a reason that roses are so closely associated with love. Not only are they are beautiful flowers, but they also have thorns. And note that the beauty of the flowers makes the thorns seem like minor inconveniences, just as the love between two persons make the sacrifices seem trivial. Get it? Furthermore, the flowers start out as little buds, then spread and grow more beautiful as the pedals separate, just as love grows more beautiful with time. Like us, only not. Get it? Thank God I'm not bitter. That would only make things worse.

I'm fine. Really.

2006-09-15T17:04:00.000-05:00

This will have to be a short post because I am sooooo busy. I mean my social calendar is bursting at the -- wherever it is they burst. I'm so freaking excited about the start of my first weekend as a single girl since freshman year. After 100 weekends in a row, I now have zero plans. I can't decide whether to study or work out. Ahh screw it. We all know I'll put on my sweats, get some microwave popcorn and chocolate and go watch movies with the boring girls. Maybe we'll have a pillow fight and paint each other's toes! Maybe I'll find a Ken doll and see if voodoo really works. If it does, there's a perfect topic for a term paper.

Single life sucks. I can't go out. I don't relish getting asked to dance out of pity, nor do I want to deal with someone trying to rescue me or, worse yet, catch me on the rebound. I almost wish I lived in the damn dorm. At least I'm not bitter.

But I'm not bitter

2006-09-14T19:28:00.000-05:00

My boyfriend of two years and I just broke up. Well, we didn't really break up so much as he decided to sleep with someone else. And while I never thought this was going to last forever, I always thought that I would be the one to find someone better. But I'm not bitter.

According to his persistent emails since the big event, this was really my fault, because I wouldn't (how does a lady say this?) fuck his brains out. And you'll be glad to know that he wants to try to work through this. I've been working on my measured response, but I am having difficulty figuring out how to get close enough to him when he has his glasses off to stick a pencil four inches into his left eye socket. But I'm not bitter.

I'm hoping that if I authorize a few more computers on my iTunes, will it automatically erase all those songs from his iPod. Will it? But I'm not bitter.

So, I've got no plans for the weekend. I guess I can research how to poison someone using ordinary kitchen spices. Then I can bake him a cake, just to show there are no hard feelings. I'm glad I'm not bitter.